Be Like Gretchen’s Dad

From families to groups, everyone needs a calming figure — Monday Dispatch 2025/05/12

There’s a lot of talk these days about self-actualization, self-care, and self-compassion. And while looking after yourself is crucial to being able to show up every day and be productive, there’s something to be said for putting others first.

Parents know this all too well. Siblings have a knack for getting into the most vicious fights right after your most stressful work days. It’s like they can smell it on you and decide to make it even worse.

When that happens, who can blame you for yelling at them? Or for putting them in front of a screen? After all, don’t you deserve some peace after a day of headaches at work?

But it’s in those moments that we are needed the most. That’s when we should leave the “self” out of “self-care” and step up.

That’s what author Gretchen Rubin’s dad used to do.

In a recent conversation on The Art of Manliness Podcast, Gretchen and host

Brett McKay

talked about parenting and the positive role a calming presence plays in family dynamics.

In my own family growing up, my father was just this very calm, unflappable, cheerful, enthusiastic person. Like whatever you want to do, that’s great.

And I realized much later in life how much I had taken that for granted and how much his attitude really did act as a buffer for other people’s agitations or, you know… he could kind of absorb it and let everybody kind of calm down, or reach equilibrium.

And it’s only with much greater maturity that I was like, “that’s a lot of work!”

I always thought, “that’s just his nature.” But now I’m like, “that’s not easy for anyone.”

That’s how he’s choosing to be.

And I realized how valuable it was and probably how much energy it took to be always that person in the system that was able to be like, “let’s just chill out here. Let’s have a sense of humor about it.”